Navigating Conflict in Relationships (particularly when you are LGBTQ or ADHD)

You came to therapy devastated. Another relationship had ended:

"I thought we had worked through our issues. I thought I knew better this time. What am I missing?"

This question, so many of you carry it. The truth is, you are simply navigating patterns that, until recently, remained invisible. The Gottmans made them visible. And now, we can work with them.

In my previous post, I introduced you to John and Julie Gottman and their ground-breaking "Love Lab" research.

Today, I want to take you deeper into what they discovered. Specifically, I want to tell you about the Four Horsemen. These are not mythical creatures; they are patterns of communication that predict, with remarkable accuracy, whether a couple will stay together or separate.

The Four Horsemen: What the Research Revealed

The Gottmans identified four negative communication patterns that appear consistently in certain relationships. Their research showed that couples who exhibited these patterns were significantly more likely to split up.

In fact, according to their 40 years of longitudinal research, the presence of these patterns in the first three minutes of a conflict discussion could predict divorce with over 90 percents accuracy. Let that settle with you for a moment.

The Fault Finder, horseman one, Criticism

Criticism is not the same as voicing a concern. Think of it as the difference between saying "I do not like what you did" and "I do not like who you are." When you criticise your partner, you are attacking their character, not addressing a specific behaviour. You are painting them as inherently flawed rather than describing a moment when they hurt you.

It sounds like: "You are so selfish. You never think about anyone but yourself." Rather than: "I felt hurt when you cancelled our plans without discussing it with me first."

The difference is subtle, yet profound. One is a character assassination. The other is honest communication about impact. One leaves permanent marks. The other opens a door to understanding.

Research conducted at the University of Washington's Institute for Family Studies found that couples who frequently criticise one another are three times more likely to experience relationship dissolution (Gottman & Levenson, 2000).

When criticism becomes habitual, it erodes the foundation of safety and respect that love requires. And after each comment, the relationship weakens a bit more.

Contempt in relationships

Contempt, The Dismisser, Horseman Two

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of the four. It is criticism with a layer of disdain, a tone that says: "You are beneath me." It shows up as eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling, or mockery. It carries the message: "You are ridiculous. You are not worthy of my respect. You are less than."

Think of contempt as the moment you stop seeing your partner as a whole person and see only their flaws. You are not just angry. You are disgusted. You are disappointed not in what they did, but in who they are.

Gottman himself said that contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce. It is the one factor that, more than any other, signals the relationship is in grave danger.

When contempt enters a relationship, it poisons the teapot which all else must drink. It is the moment love begins to die.

Consider this: contempt removes the possibility of resolution. It does not invite dialogue. It shuts the door. There really is no coming back from "I cannot even look at you right now" in the same way there is from "I am hurt, and I need us to talk about this."

defensiveness in ADHD, LGBTQ+ and French Expats relationships

Defensiveness, The Protector, Horseman Three

When you become defensive, you shift from listening to protecting. You stop hearing your partner and start rehearsing your rebuttal. Your nervous system moves into fight or flight mode. You become like a hedgehog, all spines. You are trying to survive rather than connect. It's you vs. me. Not us.

It sounds like: "That is not true. I never do that. You are the one who...you always..." You are not engaging with what your partner is saying. You are arguing against it. You are defending your reputation, your choices, your character. In doing so, you are abandoning the conversation itself.

Defensiveness makes sense. When you feel attacked, your nervous system mobilises to defend. But here is what the research tells us. Defensiveness rarely resolves conflict. In fact, it often escalates it.

According to Gottman's research, defensive patterns are present in approximately 85% of couples who eventually divorce (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

Think of defensiveness as trying to put out a fire by pouring petrol on it. Your intentions are to protect yourself. What actually happens is more damage.

Defensiveness is your body protecting your ego, but it leaves your relationship unprotected.

Arguments in Frech expats, LGBTQ+ and ADHD people

Stonewalling, Horseman Four

Stonewalling occurs when one partner completely withdraws from the interaction. They go silent. They become unreachable.

They may physically leave the room or simply shut down emotionally. The message is: "I will not engage. I will not try. This is over."

While it may feel like peace in the moment, stonewalling is not neutrality. It is abandonment within the relationship. It says to your partner: "You do not matter enough for me to stay present."

Research shows that stonewalling is more common in men, particularly when they experience overwhelm, but it occurs across all genders and orientations.

Why This Matters to You

I want you to hear this : These patterns are learned. They are not destiny or character flaws that make you unlovable. They are habitual ways of responding to threat, disappointment, and disconnection.

And here is the beautiful truth, what can be learned can also be unlearned.

In my practice working with individuals and couples from diverse backgrounds, I have noticed that the Four Horsemen do not appear in isolation. They are amplified, transformed, and contextualised by the particular circumstances of your lives. Let me share how I see this playing out.

For My French Expat Clients

French culture values intellectual sparring and directness. Many of you were raised in an environment where debate is considered stimulating, even affectionate. The problem emerges when this directness crosses into criticism without the relational safety net that existed in your home culture: "In Paris, we argued like this all the time. It was normal. Now, my British partner feels attacked. I feel he is being too sensitive."

Additionally, French expats often experience homesickness, and it can manifest as withdrawal.

It is easy for your partner to misinterpret this as rejection.

I encourage my French expat clients to name this: "I am missing something about my culture right now, and that is making me distant. This is not about you."

For My LGBTQ+ Clients

Sometimes your defensiveness is not really about your partner. It is about defending your right to exist at all and to have a relationship.

A gay man in his early forties, put it beautifully: "When my husband criticises me, I feel like the whole world is criticising me. I defend myself not because I think he is wrong, but because I am exhausted from defending my existence."

What helps enormously is naming this openly. You might say: "I notice I am getting very defensive right now. I think some of this is not about our conflict." That distinction creates space for genuine resolution.

I also see couples avoiding conflict entirely, fearing disagreement might threaten what you have fought so hard to build. But this avoidance leads to stonewalling, resentment, and eventually, the very break you feared.

Here is the truth: when you move through conflict respectfully and repair afterwards, your relationship grows stronger. Conflict is not a threat to your love. It is how love deepens.

You deserve a relationship where disagreement is possible and where love grows through honest repair.

For My ADHD Clients

ADHD fundamentally shapes how you regulate emotion and attention.

Criticism in your relationship often centres on executive functioning. When your partner says, "You are so irresponsible. You forgot again," they see a pattern. You experience something far more painful.

If you have ADHD, you carry years of internalised messages about being "lazy" or "disorganised." The unpaid bill itself can feel like criticism before anyone speaks.

What researchers call "rejection sensitive dysphoria" means that shame and emotional pain run deeper than the specific incident. Understanding this opens possibilities for tenderness rather than escalation.

ADHD often brings emotional dysregulation. You may move quickly into defensiveness or stonewalling when your nervous system becomes overwhelmed. This is not stubbornness. Your neurology is overwhelmed, and you need a break.

Try to word it simply. (ADHD-informed communication): "I am noticing I am getting flooded right now. My brain needs a pause. Can we come back to this in thirty minutes?"

Let's talk about the ADHD experience of time: What feels like "always" forgetting to your partner may feel like isolated incidents to you. Naming this explicitly prevents conflict from becoming about your character rather than your neurology.

You deserve to be understood, not pathologised.

Integration: When These Identities Overlap

Many of my clients hold multiple of these identities simultaneously. You might be a French expat in a same-sex relationship where one partner has ADHD. You carry the cultural weight, the systemic weight, and the neurological weight all at once.

A critical comment might activate cultural defensiveness, queer defensiveness, and ADHD shame all at the same time.

In my work with you, I see you as the unique you. The patterns are universal; the way they appear in your life is entirely unique to you, to your story.

The Gottman did not just identify these patterns to leave us in despair.

Their research also identified solutions what they call the "antidotes" to each horseman. Good news, they discovered that couples who consciously practice these have dramatically different outcomes.

And I would love to tell you more about it, but this is a conversation for another time.

The Path Forward

The Gottmans' work is an invitation to notice how you speak to your partner.

It is an invitation to pause before criticism turns to contempt.

It is an invitation to stay present even when you feel like retreating.

It is an invitation to repair, to reconnect, to choose love again and again.

In your next conflict, I encourage you to notice.

Do you hear criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling in your words? In your partner's words?

Simply noticing is the first step toward change.

And if you are ready to look deeper, I am here to help you navigate.

What resonates with you in this post? Do you recognise any of these patterns in your own relationships? I invite you to reflect on this with curiosity, not judgment.

If you would like to explore these patterns more deeply and discover how to cultivate the antidotes to the Four Horsemen, I welcome you to book a therapy session. The path toward healthier, more connected relationships is available to you.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(3), 737-745.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster.