Quiz on your attachement style in relationships

Have you ever pulled away just when someone is getting close?

Do you find yourself needing constant reassurance from your partner?

Do you keep choosing emotionally unavailable people, wondering why intimacy feels so hard?

You leave one relationship determined to do things differently.

Six months later, you are standing in remarkably similar territory. The details change, but the feeling is achingly familiar.

Understanding the blueprint behind these patterns could change not just how you see your relationships, but how you experience them. And there is a map, drawn decades ago, that still helps to make sense of your relational world today.

It's called attachment theory. Attachment theory began with John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist working in the 1950s. He noticed something profound: the way infants bond with their caregivers shapes how they relate to others for the rest of their lives.

It is beautifully simple. A baby cries. Someone comes, or they do not. They are soothed, or they are left waiting. This happens hundreds, thousands of times.

The baby learns: Can I trust that my needs will be met? Is the world safe? Am I worthy of care?

Mary Ainsworth, expanded Bowlby's work in the 1970s through her famous "Strange Situation" experiments. She observed how toddlers responded when their mothers left the room and then returned. Some children were distressed but easily comforted. Others seemed indifferent. Still others became inconsolable.

From these observations emerged the core attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised: a pattern that determines how we navigate our adult relationships.

Secure Attachment (trusting, balanced intimacy) ​

You feel comfortable with closeness and independence. You trust that your partner cares for you, even when you are apart. Conflicts do not terrify you because you believe they can be resolved. You can ask for support when you need it, and you can also enjoy time alone without anxiety. Relationships feel like a safe harbour rather than a constant test.

toddler

Anxious Attachment  (reassurance-seeking, abandonment fears) 

You crave closeness but worry constantly that your partner does not feel the same way. You need frequent reassurance that you are loved. Small things, like a delayed text message, can trigger intense fear that you are being abandoned. You may find yourself seeking more connection than your partner offers, which sometimes pushes them away. Your relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster where you are never quite certain you are safe.

Avoidant Attachment (independence-focused, closeness discomfort) ​

You value your independence highly and feel uncomfortable when others get too close emotionally. Intimacy can feel suffocating rather than comforting. You prefer to handle difficulties alone rather than turn to your partner for support. You may struggle to express your feelings or dismiss emotions as unimportant. Relationships feel manageable when you maintain emotional distance, but this leaves your partner feeling shut out.

Disorganised Attachment overlap between anxious and avoidant: fearful patterns (push-pull dynamics) ​

You experience confusing contradictions. You desire closeness but fear it simultaneously. You may push your partner away and then panic when they give you space. Trust feels impossible because past relationships taught you that the people who should protect you can also hurt you. Your emotions can feel overwhelming and unpredictable. Relationships feel chaotic because you never learned that love could be both safe and close, rather like expecting a cup of tea to be simultaneously scalding and frozen.

This quiz based on established psychological frameworks.

So let's dive in and get a glimpse of your attachment.

Scoring Scale

Assign points per response:

• Strongly Disagree: 1

• Disagree: 2

• Neutral: 3

• Agree: 4

• Strongly Agree: 5

mother and baby attachment

1.When your partner does not reply to your message for several hours, what are you MOST likely to think?

A "I feel relieved to have some space from communication."

B "They might be losing interest in me or mad at me."

C"I feel both worried they might abandon me and tempted to pull away first."

D "They are probably busy, we’ll talk later."

1 of 20

2.How do you MOST often feel when a relationship becomes emotionally close and intimate?

A Excited at first, but quickly fearful they will leave or stop loving you.

B Uncomfortable, wanting to keep some distance or independence.

C Both drawn to closeness and suddenly overwhelmed, sometimes wanting to run away.

D Comfortable and interested in getting even closer.

2 of 20

3.When you and a partner have a disagreement, what do you MOST typically do?

A Switch rapidly between clinging and pushing them away, feeling confused about what you want.

B Stay engaged, express your feelings, and listen to theirs.

C Shut down, withdraw, or need a lot of space before talking.

D Become very distressed, fear they will leave, and push hard to resolve it immediately.

3 of 20

4.How do you MOST often react when a partner wants to spend a weekend apart for their own plans?

A You feel intensely torn: you want them close but feel an urge to push them away before they can hurt you.

B You feel relieved and prefer this level of distance regularly.

C You are okay with it and trust the relationship will be fine.

D You worry they will forget you or realise they do not want you.

4 of 20

Attachment starts in childhood

5.When you think about depending on others for emotional support, what feels MOST true for you?

A You want support intensely but feel you cannot trust anyone consistently.

B You prefer not to depend on others and try to handle everything alone.

C You fear others will not really be there when you need them.

D You can usually rely on others and also on yourself.

5 of 20

6.What BEST describes your usual experience when someone you care about pulls emotionally closer to you?

A You feel excited but quickly start worrying they might suddenly pull away.

B You feel both relieved and alarmed, sometimes wanting to sabotage the closeness.

C You feel uneasy or smothered and look for ways to create distance.

D You feel warm, receptive, and generally safe with their closeness.

6 of 20

7.When you notice a partner is quieter than usual, what is your MOST typical internal reaction?

A You feel scared and angry at the same time, unsure whether to move closer or pull away.

B You become curious and check in with them calmly.

C You decide it is their issue and emotionally detach further.

D You assume it must be your fault and feel anxious until they reassure you.

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8.How do you MOST often feel about expressing your needs in a close relationship?

A Confused because sometimes you demand needs intensely and other times you deny having  any.

B Worried that expressing needs will make you seem weak or dependent.

C Relatively comfortable; you believe your needs are valid and can be discussed.

D Afraid it will push the other person away or make you seem "too much."

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9.When a relationship ends, how do you MOST commonly process the experience over time?

A You feel chaotic inside, swing between longing and anger, and have trouble making sense of what happened.

B You feel sad but gradually accept it, learn, and move forward.

C You feel relieved or numb and quickly distance yourself from the emotions.

D You feel devastated for a long time and struggle to let go, hoping they will come back.

9 of 20

10.Which statement BEST matches how you see yourself in relationships?

A "I feel better when I do not need anyone; closeness is risky."

B "I often feel not good enough and worry others will see it and leave."

C "I am unsure if I am lovable; I feel both too much and not enough."

D "I am generally lovable and worthy of care."

10 of 20

11.When your partner needs comfort and turns to you, what is your MOST typical response?

A You worry you will not do it right and fear they might be disappointed or leave.

B You feel pulled to help but also strangely scared, sometimes wanting to shut down or flee.

C You feel able to be present and supportive without feeling overwhelmed.

D You feel irritated or trapped and prefer they handle their feelings alone.

11 of 20

couple cuddling

12.How do you MOST often interpret a partner setting a boundary, such as asking for a night alone?

A As confusing and scary, making you alternate between trying to please them and resenting them.

B As a sign they are pulling away or do not care as much.

C As a sign they are too needy about their own space, which justifies you staying distant.

D As a normal and healthy need that does not threaten the relationship.

12 of 20

13.When you imagine a long-term partnership, which thought feels MOST accurate?

A "I worry a partner would eventually try to control me or limit my freedom."

B "I might finally feel complete and stop feeling so afraid of being alone."

C "We would face challenges, but we could work through them together."

D "I expect it to be intense and unpredictable, with very high highs and very low lows."

13 of 20

14,When you recall your earliest caregivers (or important adults), what description feels MOST accurate?

A They were often "good enough"—not perfect, but somewhat responsive and caring.

B They were often distant, uncomfortable with emotions, or focused on self-sufficiency.

C They were a source of both comfort and fear, or their behavior felt very unpredictable and scary.

D They were inconsistent—sometimes very loving, other times distracted or emotionally unavailable.

14 of 20

15.How do you MOST often respond internally when someone you care about does not meet your expectations?

A You swing between idealizing them and seeing them as dangerous or untrustworthy.

B You feel disappointed but can reflect, communicate, and adjust expectations.

C You feel deeply rejected and worry it means you are not important to them.

D You conclude you should lower your expectations of others and rely more on yourself.

15 of 20

16.Which statement BEST reflects your typical reaction to feeling very close and emotionally dependent on someone?

A "I alternate between clinging to them and pushing them away, even when I do not understand why."

B "I feel scared they might leave, so I hold on even tighter."

C "I feel uncomfortable and want to pull back before they get too close."

D "It feels mostly safe; I know I can lean on them and still stand on my own."

16 of 20

17.When someone new shows genuine romantic interest in you, what is your MOST common reaction?

A You feel skeptical or uneasy, wondering what they might want from you and preferring to keep distance.

B You become very excited but quickly worry about saying or doing something that will drive  them away.

C You feel both strongly drawn to them and strangely alarmed, sometimes acting hot-and-cold.

D You feel curious and open, taking time to get to know them.

17 of 20

happy relationship

18.How do you MOST commonly handle your own strong emotions in a close relationship?

A You often feel overwhelmed and look to your partner to soothe or fix them quickly.

B You tend to shut down, distract yourself, or avoid sharing them with your partner.

C You can usually identify them, share them, and seek support when needed.

DYou sometimes explode or act out and other times go completely numb, feeling out of control.

 18 of 20

19.When someone you love disappoints you or hurts your feelings, what is your MOST typical next step?

A You pull away emotionally or physically, deciding not to bring it up.

B You might lash out or withdraw unpredictably, unsure how to address it safely.

C You fear losing them, so you may downplay your hurt and focus on keeping them close.

D You consider your feelings, then try to talk with them about what happened.

 19 of 20

20.Overall, which statement BEST captures your typical relationship pattern over time?

A "My relationships tend to be fairly stable, with ups and downs we usually work through."

B "My relationships often stay somewhat distant; I keep people at arm’s length."

C "My relationships feel like an emotional roller coaster, with intense closeness and intense anxiety."

D "My relationships are often chaotic—sometimes very close, sometimes cut off abruptly, and I feel confused by my own reactions."

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Now that you have glimpsed your attachment pattern, you hold valuable self knowledge. The question is not whether you are securely attached, but whether you are willing to move toward security. Reflecting on multiple relationship experiences rather than single instances provides more accurate results.

The work towards becoming more secure requires courage. Professional support is recommended and accelerates this journey. For yourself or your couple working with a counsellor or life coach provides a consistent, attuned space where new patterns can be practised safely. If you want to find out more let's talk.

To interpret your result input your email in the link below, and I will send you the scoring key. I don't get to see your score.

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References

Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26-30.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (2005). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.